Pain in the backside

"Due to the complexity of his needs... our service may not be able to provide the most appropriate or safe level of support." This was the response I received from the Hertfordshire Community Eating Disorders Services after being referred there by my GP for help with my anorexia. What these complexities are, it wasn't spelt out. Perhaps the clue was in this sentence: "We believe that accessing an eating disorder service closer to where he lives may be more suitable and better able to support his needs." That sounds fine, until you remember my local NHS trust was so negligent that we threatened legal action against them, because they failed to offer anything even approaching a reasonable level of support and I nearly died when they should have been helping me.  My BMI was closing in on single figures before an intervention took place, even as my family literally begged them to help (only to be repeatedly ignored). Eventually, when I was finally looked after by ...

In June this year I collapsed at home and was minutes away from dying. My body had shut down because of my anorexia - and it was only the timely intervention of my wife and the speedy work from paramedics which kept me alive. It is a miracle I'm still alive: Naomi was due to be out that day but cancelled her plans and was around when I collapsed. I was meant to be on my way to London in a car - if I had gotten in then I would have died in there. If the paramedics hadn't been on the scene in minutes then it would have been too late. They reckon I was 30 minutes away from not surviving. I have previously documented the reasons on this blog why things reached this stage - including numerous NHS failures, many of which have continued since - but that is not the reason for this post. I have told almost nobody how close I came to dying because I didn't want to share it, not even with my closest friends. But I've come to realise this isn't about me any more, it's abo...

After a recent spell of in-patient treatment for anorexia after my BMI had nearly gone into single figures, I returned home with no community support - a common problem for many with eating disorders. How I look today. An image of me a month ago would be too bad for people to see I had no diet plan, no professionals to speak to and no idea of what to do, with emails asking for help or advice ignored. Since then, my wife and I have had to go it alone in a bid to keep my weight from plummeting again, while dealing with the daily mental struggles that living with anorexia brings. For those who are unaware, anorexia is the biggest killer of all mental health conditions. It is also that rare thing - an illness which the sufferer doesn't often want to recover from.  I know that from personal experience. It is why my family and I have spent years asking for help but receiving none from the NHS, and even having referrals to specialist hospitals who can help me blocked. My weight is now ar...

Having always had a difficult relationship with food, weight and exercise, a decline in my health during the pandemic led to me becoming anorexic and losing a lot of weight.  At that time I still weighed over 9 stone, but I would check my weight three or four times a day and see myself limit the amount I would drink in case it made me heavier.  Things have since become worse, and I now weigh under 6 1/2 stone, with a BMI of around 13. I truly want to get better, but for so many reasons putting weight on is difficult.  Firstly, it's the mental battle. A slight increase in my weight terrifies me - it makes me scared that I'm out of control and will become fat again, rekindling feelings I had as a teen. I sometimes take out half a spoon of rice from my meal to calm myself down.  But my needs are even more complex because I have severe IBS and Functional Neurological Disorder which makes it really painful to eat as my nerves are ultra sensitive. I find eating solid ...