Pain in the backside

In June this year I collapsed at home and was minutes away from dying. My body had shut down because of my anorexia - and it was only the timely intervention of my wife and the speedy work from paramedics which kept me alive. It is a miracle I'm still alive: Naomi was due to be out that day but cancelled her plans and was around when I collapsed. I was meant to be on my way to London in a car - if I had gotten in then I would have died in there. If the paramedics hadn't been on the scene in minutes then it would have been too late. They reckon I was 30 minutes away from not surviving. I have previously documented the reasons on this blog why things reached this stage - including numerous NHS failures, many of which have continued since - but that is not the reason for this post. I have told almost nobody how close I came to dying because I didn't want to share it, not even with my closest friends. But I've come to realise this isn't about me any more, it's abo...

After a recent spell of in-patient treatment for anorexia after my BMI had nearly gone into single figures, I returned home with no community support - a common problem for many with eating disorders. How I look today. An image of me a month ago would be too bad for people to see I had no diet plan, no professionals to speak to and no idea of what to do, with emails asking for help or advice ignored. Since then, my wife and I have had to go it alone in a bid to keep my weight from plummeting again, while dealing with the daily mental struggles that living with anorexia brings. For those who are unaware, anorexia is the biggest killer of all mental health conditions. It is also that rare thing - an illness which the sufferer doesn't often want to recover from.  I know that from personal experience. It is why my family and I have spent years asking for help but receiving none from the NHS, and even having referrals to specialist hospitals who can help me blocked. My weight is now ar...

Having always had a difficult relationship with food, weight and exercise, a decline in my health during the pandemic led to me becoming anorexic and losing a lot of weight.  At that time I still weighed over 9 stone, but I would check my weight three or four times a day and see myself limit the amount I would drink in case it made me heavier.  Things have since become worse, and I now weigh under 6 1/2 stone, with a BMI of around 13. I truly want to get better, but for so many reasons putting weight on is difficult.  Firstly, it's the mental battle. A slight increase in my weight terrifies me - it makes me scared that I'm out of control and will become fat again, rekindling feelings I had as a teen. I sometimes take out half a spoon of rice from my meal to calm myself down.  But my needs are even more complex because I have severe IBS and Functional Neurological Disorder which makes it really painful to eat as my nerves are ultra sensitive. I find eating solid ...

I've always been proud to be a Nottingham Forest fan. I've lost count of the number of people who have told me they have a soft spot for Forest and how they wished to see them back in the Premier League. This is a club synonymous with good football and respect for referees, for a brilliant academy, a superb atmosphere and a fanbase which travels far and wide in huge numbers. But sadly, the last two years have tarnished the club's reputation. It began by spending large sums on players (many of whom have not even stepped on the pitch for the club) which resulted in a breach of spending rules. Rather than accept the fact we survived in the Premier League through an unfair advantage, we pretended that we had no choice and moaned at what I believe was a lenient punishment. The manager who took us back to the Premier League, not to mention delivered memorable cup runs, had his job security played out constantly in public before eventually being sacked and replaced a few hours l...

Away from my usual articles on anorexia, I wrote some stand-up comedy which I 'performed' in front of my family last Sunday. I was going to ignore it, but I thought I'd publish it in case someone finds it slightly amusing! And the winner for the worst comedy goes to... It's Mother's Day today. A big shout out to all the mums. Mother's Day is the one day a year where my mum can tell me in no uncertain terms just how difficult it was giving birth to me, not to mention how much of a problem child I was and how I'm responsible for everything from stretch marks to wrinkles to chronic stress. It's like a different version of white privilege. Society is telling me that I should feel guilty for being white, and today I'll have my mum telling me I should feel guilty for being born. Then there's my anniversary where my wife tells me how lucky I am to be married to her.  To be honest, the only reason I'm married now is because I was preparing for a Blac...

Anorexia is not just a case of wanting to lose weight - it's also a social curse. I only discovered recently that the illness makes you retreat into a bubble and drives you to isolate yourself from the rest of the world.  That - and my awful IBS - have led to me becoming increasingly lonely. I can barely leave the house other than to go for a walk, and I hardly talk to anyone. Life is passing me by and I feel like there's no end in sight for this misery. I made a concerted effort to try and put on weight at the end of last year having seen how hard my family have tried to keep me alive. Adding in the extra calories made my stomach pain worse but I have kept going and am now above 7 stone. Even saying that feels scary as the slightest weight gain triggers huge anxiety. Despite this, I was forced into hospital the week before Christmas. The message was blunt: you're being admitted in two days or you're being sectioned.  Scared out of my mind, I got there and was told I co...