I exercised for four hours then panicked I was going to be sectioned

Last Friday I had a brilliant session with a psychologist around my anorexia. I felt as relaxed as I had for months and able to cut down on my excessive walking.

She pointed out that I put pressure on myself to be productive all the time. Even though I am currently signed off sick I still put on an alarm every day, and my mind is on overdrive all the time; I feel like I am in a rush and I get stressed when I don't get something done or I go to bed late.

Her suggestion: go and have some fun. And something clicked in my mind - here was a trained professional giving me permission to enjoy myself, to not waste my time trying to exercise for hours at a time and to spend it doing something where I can switch off for once.

It felt like this huge load had been taken off me, that I didn't have to worry about trying to fit in a long walk after my morning cross trainer session. I was already thinking about what I could do with this extra time, whether it be playing games or even just reading more.

That peace of mind was shattered by the following morning. My normal cross trainer sessions last up to two hours as I refuse to stop until I basically crawl to a halt (due to that inner relentlessness which drives me), and, also, because my pain limits how fast I can go so it tends to take me a while to reach this point.

Except on this morning, I never felt tired. I felt like I could stay on the cross trainer forever. There was a dip over the second hour and I thought I was reaching my normal ending, but then came this huge surge of energy, and before I knew it I was three hours in and wondering if I'd be on all morning.

It finally got to three hours and 40 minutes when my legs started to wobble and I got off, but even then I still felt wired, as if I could go and do a power walk for several more hours.

So instead of thinking I was suddenly free of this torment and I could go enjoy myself, I was now scared that I'd be doing three hours plus every morning. What's worse is my psychologist had warned me the day before that if I didn't stop losing weight then I would be taken to a hospital setting and potentially force-fed - a scenario which scares me to death.

I was out the rest of the day (so again, more exercise through walking) and still I felt energetic. But in the back of my mind was this fear that my time at home was drawing to a close. And what's worse is I'm not even trying to lose weight any more. I'm actually trying to conquer my demons and put a bit of weight on, but even that feels impossible as I can't cope with not using up all my energy each day. It's a restlessness which I find overwhelming.

Thankfully, my exercise has returned to 'normal', but I'm haunted by the knowledge that even if I try to increase my calories, I can't stop myself from burning them off, and this is only likely to end up one way. 

What can trigger anorexia

My anorexia began when my chronic pain became so bad a few years ago after I suffered a burnout at work. 

Faced with the realisation that my career prospects were going down the drain, and that my pain had robbed me of all of life's joy (food, sport, travel, socialising), I was left with almost nothing I had control of anymore. So in turn I began controlling my weight.

I later realised while covering this topic as a journalist following the tragic death of a young woman from anorexia that this 'control' element is one of the key themes of people who deliberately lose weight.

I also learnt that anorexia nervosa is the mental illness which leads to the most suicides, and that the people suffering from it often never want to recover as they enjoy being thin. It makes treatment so hard because there is often pushback from the patient, something I know from first-hand experience.

Another trait is that the person who is impacted is often a driven individual who has suffered some sort of 'trauma'. In my case it was the pain ruining my life.

Interestingly, I am currently reading a book on Rafa Nadal and he is like me in so many ways, albeit far more successful! He describes being quite shy in normal life, but challenge him over any game/activity and he becomes this ultra-aggressive competitor who cannot bear losing. And like me, he struggles to take time off from trying to be the best he can be. 

It is a mindset I can relate to, as anyone who has played me at Fifa over the years will realise!

Sexism flourishes because of outdated attitudes

Is it any wonder Luis Rubiales felt able to kiss Jenni Hermoso on the lips and think it was fine when you look at some of the behaviours from the top branch at Fifa.

It was only a few weeks ago that current president Gianni Infantino said to women: “Pick the right battles, pick the right fights. You have the power to change.

“You have the power to convince us, men, what we have to do and what we don’t have to do. You do it, just do it. With me, with FIFA, you will find open doors. Just push the doors, they are open."

Or what about his predecessor, Sepp Blatter, who suggested that female players should wear “tighter shorts” to make the game more appealing to male viewers. Under his tenure women were blocked from reaching the higher echelons of football's governing body.

Fifa decided it was appropriate for the recent Women's World Cup to be sponsored by Visit Saudi - the state's tourism authority - until an outcry forced a U-turn, and for the tournament it made a supermodel an ambassador. Can you imagine something similar happening in the men's game?

People sneer at the word 'diversity', and while I am not one for advocating quotas, real change will not occur until more women get into positions of power and the ignorant views which exist today are eradicated. Maybe then we'll see less self-entitlement from clowns like Rubiales.

When will we wake up to Chinese threat

While we rightly support Ukraine against the invading Russians, the long-term threat to the Western democracies comes from China.

In fact, we've known this for years. It's been extensively reported how China is eyeing global dominance while repeatedly trying to steal intellectual property, gain a dominance in crucial materials, threaten its neighbours and hold sway over countries from Cuba to the Solomon Islands through a variety of deals, including its Belt and Road Programme which has led to many nations becoming indebted to their supposed 'saviour'.

That is not to even mention the diabolical treatment of the Uyghurs which would have seen China blacklisted globally if it wasn't so rich.

But it appears the West continues to suck up to China, even when it spies at the heart of its political and educational institutions or bizarrely through hot air balloons.

I fear one day we will look back on this as complete naivety. 

World Cup gets off to thrilling start

We've been treated to some brilliant entertainment at the start of the Rugby World Cup, from an exciting opening fixture, England's drop-goal strategy, Fiji v. Wales and the no look kick assist from South Africa's Mannie Libbok.

But like I mentioned last week (as countless others have as well), refereeing controversies threaten to ruin the tournament. Inconsistencies over what constitutes a red card have marred the England and South Africa matches, and I hope this is fixed quickly before it becomes all we talk about.

Although I fear the damage may have already been done if you're a Scotland supporter.

On a happier note...

I will try to include lighter subjects in future blogs, but I think it's important to raise awareness around anorexia.

If you want a laugh, though, watch a referee catch a player in the face then send him off - https://twitter.com/Lionsroar_79/status/1700510986698981437.

And continuing with my history theme from last week, Dan Snow's History Hit is something which I've just discovered and am really enjoying.