Anorexia is slowly killing me - but I still feel like a scrounger

It seems only recently that I was going strong as a journalist, working up to 60 hours a week, starting at 5am most days and sometimes finishing after midnight.

I felt fit and energetic despite my IBS and chronic pain and was able to mix watching football, covering elections, breaking big stories and writing interesting features for a living. 

I'm now 32 and I work 0 hours a week - and even that feels exhausting.

I weigh around 7 stone 6, was recently detained under the Mental Health Act and am now reliant on Universal Credit to live.

The Lamy family

I feel like a scrounger, which is probably because there is this big narrative that the welfare bill is so high because of the number of people claiming benefits when they are fit to work. It's amazing how much more talk there is around benefits than the billions of pounds lost to fraudulent Covid loans which will never be recovered.

Whereas before I would confront politicians and criminals, and rarely feel stressed, now I'd be in floods of tears if I was made to eat a sandwich. Anorexia really is a cruel beast - and it's slowly killing me. I honestly don't think I'll be alive when I'm 35.

I have a beautiful wife and the most incredible, smiley daughter, and yet I've had to admit to regular thoughts of suicide. I've been told that my vital organs are struggling, that I may be detained again as my weight is going down each week, and now every other day I'm so ill that I sleep for a long time in the afternoon.

I've lost my identity as a journalist, the one thing in my life I feel I've excelled at but which slowly broke me. I found a new career working with lovely people, but illness has robbed me of that, just as it's robbed me of most of life's pleasures.

Why am I sharing all of this? It's not for sympathy, as there are others far less fortunate. It's because writing it all down feels like a release and stops me from trying to overexercise. It's incredibly scary feeling like I may never work again, that I may always feel this ill, that I may always struggle financially and that I may always suffer from constant anxiety and depression.

But it goes beyond that. It's about raising awareness around the hidden crisis of anorexia and the shameful way we treat disabled people in this country, with living standards continuing to worsen and "grave" violations of their rights (see https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-66648764).

We talk so much about treatment of minorities and of women, but we live in a country where people with disabilities are left stranded on airplanes, live in poverty because benefits haven't kept up with inflation (on top of having higher energy bills), and are confronted by town centres which are completely inaccessible.

While writing about a range of topics, assuming I have the energy to keep going with this blog (and I'm not taken back to hospital), I want to shine a light on important issues, many of which don't get the attention they deserve.

Mixed in with this will be my love of sport as well as anything else which catches the eye. 

Again, I'm not expecting to change anyone's opinions or to even have anyone read this, but I still feel like a writer at heart and it gives me an outlet to focus on, a distraction from my daily battle against pain, anorexia and wondering if I'm finished as a functioning human before my 33rd birthday.

Women footballers leading the way

A big well done to the female footballers who spoke up to prevent Saudi sponsorship of their World Cup and have taken a powerful stand against disgraceful and possibly criminal behaviour from the head of the Spanish FA.

Contrast that to their male equivalents who were too scared to wear a rainbow armband and who are now clambering over each like they're in an episode of Wacky Races to get their hands on the Saudi oil money while conveniently ignoring the murder and destruction being sowed by the country's regime (exhibit A - starving children in Yemen).

The argument - which David Beckham conveniently gave for his major ambassadorial deal with Qatar, that other bastion of liberalism - is that by engaging with these countries we can try to change their views (try telling that to the migrants who died there).

That's worked really well with China and Russia, and it's clearly having a similar effect in Saudi Arabia which was recently accused of mass killings of Ethopians (see https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-66545787) and has no qualms in butchering dissidents or locking up people for their tweets.

But just don't expect hypocrites like Jordan Henderson, or the golfers who joined the LIV tour, from mentioning this anytime soon.

Bring on meaningful sport

Thankfully the overly plugged and soulless Hundred cricket tournament is over and we can look forward to two events which will really bring excitement and emotion aplenty.

The Rugby World Cup should be absolutely brilliant - apart from when England are playing. Although the way the draw has been conducted, we could end up going further than the likes of Ireland, South Africa, France or New Zealand. Those four (particularly the first three) are a joy to watch. And when you add in the possibility of some shock results, it promises to be a World Cup to remember with South Africa my favourites to win.

The only concern is the strong probability of a crunch match being impacted by a refereeing decision, with players being sent off.

And while that is going on we have the Ryder Cup, arguably the greatest non-annual competition in the sporting calendar. It's hard to think of any event where individuals can be so transformed under a team banner, where a normally tranquil sport can transcend into a raucous arena, where grown men can be so nervous they struggle to tee up the ball.

And this year promises to be the first classic since 2012. I've got a sneaky suspicion it could end up in a 14-14 draw.

If anyone is interested in a golfing podcast which goes beyond current events and analysis, I recommend Chasing Majors where Tiger Woods' former caddie Steve Williams dissects each of the legend's major wins when he was on his bag. Some of the anecdotes and stats are remarkable.

History hit

If you love your history and have access to Sky History, I would thoroughly recommend Clash of Ancient Warriors which details some of the most famous battles from centuries ago, including Hannibal's incredible journey through the Alps to take on the Romans and the story behind the film 300.

Who knew the Spartans spent the day before the legendary battle doing their hair so they looked good in death!